Oppositional defiant disorder (ODD)

We have found a label to put on our daughter and her actions: Oppositional Defiant Disorder or ODD. You can see a definition here Oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) - MayoClinic.com . When looking at the description of the disorder it sounds like they are describing childhood. Every kid I've ever come across is a crazy spaz hell bent on having their own way. So often, though, Ginger and I just lose it in the power struggle with Katie and she is only 11. What is going to happen when she is 15? It feels as though these problems have been exploding for years in the home and are doomed to get worse. She also struggles in school, bringing home low grades and mountains of homework that takes hours to complete. I don't remember having homework while in grade school except on rare occasion. I also don't remember starting algebra until 7th or 8th grade, but that is what they keep sending home even though she doesn't know her times tables. Katie desperately wants social interaction as well, but there are no girls in our neighborhood and every time she makes a friend they move.
We have been worried about her and next year begins Jr. High so it is going to get exponentially worse not to mention the on set of puberty. We have tried to set her up with a child psychologist only to find 6 and 7 month wait lists to see them and then as the time came near we found they did not accept our insurance. We had the school psychologist do an evaluation. He had us fill out a questionnaire and Katie's teacher do the same, then he observed her in the class room setting. We just got the report back and don't know what to make of it. Katie is listed by her teacher as a wonderful, obedient, well adjusted child. The psychologists observations against others kids chosen at random shows that Katie is not only fine, but higher rated than many. Our evaluation show her as an out of control tyrant. I think this reflects badly on us. I'm not positive, but if Katie has ODD I would assume a more consistent show of behavior in school as well as at home, but it could also be that she does have great control to avoid embarrassment in public and then it's even worse at home because it has been bottled up all day.
I did find a website ourdefiantkids that has free information, including an eBook for download with tips and tricks for discipline and rearing and a happy home life. A lot of it sounds good and needs to be put into practice (although that is not as easy as it sounds). Some of it just falls flat, but that is to be expected nobody has the exact same situation as anybody else. Doctors and psychologists take information about all kinds of people and then create an average that no one individual actually measures up to. I did appreciate the fact that drugs are not listed as the method of choice for dealing with this. I do wonder if Katie may need some chemical balance for focus and depression (runs in the family), but I'd like to see where she is with environment change first.
Ginger did make a valid point that it doesn't seem right for the entire house to have to change everything we do in order to tip-toe around Katie. Truth is the world will not and she needs to adjust in order to function in the world, but I don't think we need to change things as much as change our reaction to things. There is no point in blowing up and scaring everyone. Time to just be calm and do what needs to be done and let her have the natural consequences that fall.